Are you a whiny bitch like Pisces or an arrogant prick like Aries? Find out who you are based on your zodiac sign.
Personality
Aries can best be described as an unlikable sociopath. Fortunately your complete disregard for the the wellbeing of others makes it easier for you to achieve personal success without a conscience getting in the way.
Physical
Aries are often naturally good looking although their personality makes them generally unfuckable.
The future
You will likely live a long and financially successful life only to die alone possibly as the result of a decades old addiction to narcotics you started taking just to feel something.
Personality
How do we describe the Taurus personality? Easy. You don't have one. You are that asshole at the party who wont interact with anyone because you would rather sit in the corner feeling superior to everyone. You think everything sucks and the world used to he better. If someone wants to get under your skin, they just need to say that they are a gluten free, pansexual vegan and you will lose your holier than thou shit.
Physical
The Taurus Male generally has a certain inbred ape aesthetic. He can be identified by his broad shoulders and deep set in slingblade eyes.
The female is like a nearly passable trany. She can be identified by her large donkey teeth and pronounced Adam's apple.
The Future
You will most likely find yourself alone after a series of failed relationships or in a loveless marriage in which both parts pretend it's not a sham. Financially, your bullheaded drive would lead to success if you could keep your head out of your ass and listen to others occasionally.
Personality
What can we say about the Gemini personality that hasn't already been said in ICP lyrics? Impulsive and unpredictable, the Gemini is a constant party. Gemini females often get into barfights or get their Male counterparts into them. Male Gemini are known for their poor decision making and seeming compulsion to screw things up.
Physical
The Gemini can be identified by their massive fivehead and pimple infested greasy skin. The females typically have large and pendulous breasts while the males have notably large cartoonish nipples. Both males and females typically grow a very fine facial hair that looks like a a thin glaze of Oreo dust.
The Future
For the Gemini, the future is bright. Or it isn't. Your indecisive ass is gonna have to get it together. If all that impulsive energy is directed the right way, the sky is the limit. However, some under this sign spend their lives running in circles chasing their unrealistic pipe-dreams like a meth head on a merry-go-round.
Personality
Those born under the sign of Cancer keep a small number of close friends because only a few people will have any real interest in hanging out with them. Cancers tend toward being boring. Middle aged women who tell you the full legal name of all their cats, or men who want to strike up a conversation about the weather at the urinal are likely Cancers.
Physical
Cancers are typically of average attractiveness, with some suffering from Butterface Syndrome. The males are often muscular as they use the gym to compensate for all of their other shortcomings. Females are typically blessed with bodies that look great with clothing on, however, their propensity for excess facial and body hair may scare off some potential suitors.
Future.
Cancers typically have long successful relationships with other Cancers who are satisfied to spend their nights eating under-seasoned meatloaf and talking about their day before retiring to bed at 8:00pm.
Personality
Leo is the most artistically creative of all of the signs. Sometimes this leads them to be socially maladjusted. There has been misinformation going around for years about Leo. many Horoscopes say that Leo is outgoing and loves to be the center of attention. This is simply not true. Leos like to create things, but generally hate people.
Physical
Leos are generally slender with toned bodies and natural good looks, however, they often take a sharp turn in their 30s or 40s. Your average middle-aged Leo looks like a pile of chewed gum.
Future
You are going to die alone.
Personality
Virgo is a prude and possibly Religious Zealot. If you are a Virgo, you are probably good at scrabble and bad at oral. Despite being the proverbial tampon in the punch-bowl and bumming people out, Virgo is generally highly intelligent with strong math skills and the ability to learn new technology quickly, most of which they won't use because it's probably sinful.
Physical
Generally considered to be the hottest of the zodiac signs, female Virgo are the ultimate prick tease, while the males are a source of unparalleled disappointment for their lovers once the lights go off.
Future
Virgos often get married young so that they have more time to break down their partner's will to live. Virgo's superior intelligence allows for great career success in a variety of industries, but they do best in a field which encourages self-righteousness and judgement like 24-hour news or blogging.
Personality
Libras are represented by the scales of justice. This is less because of a deep rooted sense of right and wrong, and more a reference to their interest in BDSM. Libras are sexual deviants who like their jokes like they like their Sanchez...Dirty. Libras are Vanilla on the outside and dark web on the inside.
Physical
Nothing to see here. Libras are just middle of the road average looking people with no remarkable characteristics whatsoever. Libras are the Iceberg Lettuce of looks.
Future
If a Libra finds a partner who can keep up with them, they generally have long lasting marriages ultimately spending their retirement years having super kinky gross old people sex daily. As far as career, Libras find success in jobs such as paralegal, Criminal investigator and Grade School Teacher.
Personality
Ever watched snapped? This is Scorpio. If you were mean to a Scorpio in grade school, they remember it and they will get you back. you stole their purple crayon in Kindergarten, they cut your brake lines when you're 34. They may seem hot headed and impulsive at times, but in actuality they are cold, calculated murder machines.
Physical
Scorpio can be recognized by their wide set eyes and prominent eyebrows like a Hanna Barberra cartoon villain.
Future
The Scorpio is likely to have multiple marriages and is suited for a successful career in politics.
Personality
Sagittarius is highly intelligent but prone to narcissism. They also tend toward counter culture views and conspiracy theories. They are not stupid enough to be flat earthers, but they will talk your ear off about the new world order and the illuminati.
Physical
This sign is unusually strong considering its scrawny body. Sagittarius people are typically thin bony bastards who look like they need just a dollar a day from Sally Struthers.
Future
Sagittarius is best suited for a career in engineering or computers where they don't have to deal with people. Objects will not get annoyed as quickly with their extra nutty bullshit. Friendships can be long lasting for those who find like-minded weirdos.
Personality
Naturally talented in art and music but prone to addictive behaviors and criminal tendencies, Capricorn lives a complicated life. Capricorn is typically self-centered and irritating. They have few friends and never truly know love.
Physical
Capricorn has a big head and unusually large sausage fingers. They also have abnormally strong body odor.
Future
Probably prison, but if you are lucky, you could end up being a rockstar who dies of a drug overdose in your thirties.
Personality
You know the phrase "dirty, smelly hippie? This sums up Aquarius. Organic, vegan, fair trade diet and Green Party voting record are emblematic of Aquarius lifestyle.
Physical
Small and week because of their lack of nutrition. They often look as though they suffer from some disease.
Future
This sign is most likely to be in a cult. Aquarius will probably spend some time living in a compound somewhere smelling bad, discussing the pros of LSD and fearing the government. That is if they don't die young from some bad Peyote at Burning man.
Personality
Smart and boring. You are like Indiana Jones but just the archaeology professor part, not the whip, cool hat, adventure part. You, Pisces are like if celery was a person.
Physical
Pisces tend to be pale with patchy skin. Male patern baldness is common in both Male and female pisces. They are also surprisingly poor swimmers due to their lack of muscle and physical ability.
Future
There is a wide world of opportunity. Famous Pisces include Albert Einstein and Justin Bieber. So essentially you could become a genius physicist who changes the face of science or a douche nozzle with a fanbase of low functioning tweens.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Personality
Aries can best be described as an unlikable sociopath. Fortunately your complete disregard for the the wellbeing of others makes it easier for you to achieve personal success without a conscience getting in the way.
Physical
Aries are often naturally good looking although their personality makes them generally unfuckable.
The future
You will likely live a long and financially successful life only to die alone possibly as the result of a decades old addiction to narcotics you started taking just to feel something.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Personality
How do we describe the Taurus personality? Easy. You don't have one. You are that asshole at the party who wont interact with anyone because you would rather sit in the corner feeling superior to everyone. You think everything sucks and the world used to he better. If someone wants to get under your skin, they just need to say that they are a gluten free, pansexual vegan and you will lose your holier than thou shit.
Physical
The Taurus Male generally has a certain inbred ape aesthetic. He can be identified by his broad shoulders and deep set in slingblade eyes.
The female is like a nearly passable trany. She can be identified by her large donkey teeth and pronounced Adam's apple.
The Future
You will most likely find yourself alone after a series of failed relationships or in a loveless marriage in which both parts pretend it's not a sham. Financially, your bullheaded drive would lead to success if you could keep your head out of your ass and listen to others occasionally.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Personality
What can we say about the Gemini personality that hasn't already been said in ICP lyrics? Impulsive and unpredictable, the Gemini is a constant party. Gemini females often get into barfights or get their Male counterparts into them. Male Gemini are known for their poor decision making and seeming compulsion to screw things up.
Physical
The Gemini can be identified by their massive fivehead and pimple infested greasy skin. The females typically have large and pendulous breasts while the males have notably large cartoonish nipples. Both males and females typically grow a very fine facial hair that looks like a a thin glaze of Oreo dust.
The Future
For the Gemini, the future is bright. Or it isn't. Your indecisive ass is gonna have to get it together. If all that impulsive energy is directed the right way, the sky is the limit. However, some under this sign spend their lives running in circles chasing their unrealistic pipe-dreams like a meth head on a merry-go-round.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Personality
Those born under the sign of Cancer keep a small number of close friends because only a few people will have any real interest in hanging out with them. Cancers tend toward being boring. Middle aged women who tell you the full legal name of all their cats, or men who want to strike up a conversation about the weather at the urinal are likely Cancers.
Physical
Cancers are typically of average attractiveness, with some suffering from Butterface Syndrome. The males are often muscular as they use the gym to compensate for all of their other shortcomings. Females are typically blessed with bodies that look great with clothing on, however, their propensity for excess facial and body hair may scare off some potential suitors.
Future.
Cancers typically have long successful relationships with other Cancers who are satisfied to spend their nights eating under-seasoned meatloaf and talking about their day before retiring to bed at 8:00pm.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Personality
Leo is the most artistically creative of all of the signs. Sometimes this leads them to be socially maladjusted. There has been misinformation going around for years about Leo. many Horoscopes say that Leo is outgoing and loves to be the center of attention. This is simply not true. Leos like to create things, but generally hate people.
Physical
Leos are generally slender with toned bodies and natural good looks, however, they often take a sharp turn in their 30s or 40s. Your average middle-aged Leo looks like a pile of chewed gum.
Future
You are going to die alone.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Personality
Virgo is a prude and possibly Religious Zealot. If you are a Virgo, you are probably good at scrabble and bad at oral. Despite being the proverbial tampon in the punch-bowl and bumming people out, Virgo is generally highly intelligent with strong math skills and the ability to learn new technology quickly, most of which they won't use because it's probably sinful.
Physical
Generally considered to be the hottest of the zodiac signs, female Virgo are the ultimate prick tease, while the males are a source of unparalleled disappointment for their lovers once the lights go off.
Future
Virgos often get married young so that they have more time to break down their partner's will to live. Virgo's superior intelligence allows for great career success in a variety of industries, but they do best in a field which encourages self-righteousness and judgement like 24-hour news or blogging.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Personality
Libras are represented by the scales of justice. This is less because of a deep rooted sense of right and wrong, and more a reference to their interest in BDSM. Libras are sexual deviants who like their jokes like they like their Sanchez...Dirty. Libras are Vanilla on the outside and dark web on the inside.
Physical
Nothing to see here. Libras are just middle of the road average looking people with no remarkable characteristics whatsoever. Libras are the Iceberg Lettuce of looks.
Future
If a Libra finds a partner who can keep up with them, they generally have long lasting marriages ultimately spending their retirement years having super kinky gross old people sex daily. As far as career, Libras find success in jobs such as paralegal, Criminal investigator and Grade School Teacher.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Personality
Ever watched snapped? This is Scorpio. If you were mean to a Scorpio in grade school, they remember it and they will get you back. you stole their purple crayon in Kindergarten, they cut your brake lines when you're 34. They may seem hot headed and impulsive at times, but in actuality they are cold, calculated murder machines.
Physical
Scorpio can be recognized by their wide set eyes and prominent eyebrows like a Hanna Barberra cartoon villain.
Future
The Scorpio is likely to have multiple marriages and is suited for a successful career in politics.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Personality
Sagittarius is highly intelligent but prone to narcissism. They also tend toward counter culture views and conspiracy theories. They are not stupid enough to be flat earthers, but they will talk your ear off about the new world order and the illuminati.
Physical
This sign is unusually strong considering its scrawny body. Sagittarius people are typically thin bony bastards who look like they need just a dollar a day from Sally Struthers.
Future
Sagittarius is best suited for a career in engineering or computers where they don't have to deal with people. Objects will not get annoyed as quickly with their extra nutty bullshit. Friendships can be long lasting for those who find like-minded weirdos.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Personality
Naturally talented in art and music but prone to addictive behaviors and criminal tendencies, Capricorn lives a complicated life. Capricorn is typically self-centered and irritating. They have few friends and never truly know love.
Physical
Capricorn has a big head and unusually large sausage fingers. They also have abnormally strong body odor.
Future
Probably prison, but if you are lucky, you could end up being a rockstar who dies of a drug overdose in your thirties.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Personality
You know the phrase "dirty, smelly hippie? This sums up Aquarius. Organic, vegan, fair trade diet and Green Party voting record are emblematic of Aquarius lifestyle.
Physical
Small and week because of their lack of nutrition. They often look as though they suffer from some disease.
Future
This sign is most likely to be in a cult. Aquarius will probably spend some time living in a compound somewhere smelling bad, discussing the pros of LSD and fearing the government. That is if they don't die young from some bad Peyote at Burning man.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Personality
Smart and boring. You are like Indiana Jones but just the archaeology professor part, not the whip, cool hat, adventure part. You, Pisces are like if celery was a person.
Physical
Pisces tend to be pale with patchy skin. Male patern baldness is common in both Male and female pisces. They are also surprisingly poor swimmers due to their lack of muscle and physical ability.
Future
There is a wide world of opportunity. Famous Pisces include Albert Einstein and Justin Bieber. So essentially you could become a genius physicist who changes the face of science or a douche nozzle with a fanbase of low functioning tweens.
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